The ultimate - 8 days MC! (Part II)

Night time is the scariest.

Everything seems to be aggravated in the night. I couldn't sleep even after popping all the medications. The fever went a little gentler on me, eventually I fell asleep amidst the discomfort.

The scary part is the dreams. I hated it. I'm stuck in a square and going round and round which I just can't escape! I'll wake up to break free from the dream and when I was knocked out again, I was back to a similar stuck-can't-escape situation. Imagine this happened a few times in the night...

It must be somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I was awaken by the heat (from myself).
I don't want to look at the clock, because I don't want to know how many hours more till day break.

15 March 2018, Thur

Quite a few milestone on this day. I pooped! haha
Trusty coffee never fails to help.

The fever was less intense, it became low grade fever. 

I also started to develop a cough. My MC has ran out so I went to the clinic nearby again. The locum doctor gave me cough medicine that might have a side effect of constipation (errr)... Something effervescent to help dissolve the phlegm and another day of MC for me to rest through the weekend.

He told me I can't go back to office, this is definitely contagious.

I went home and start to research about THE FLU. Since I'm in it, might as well learn something. And I can watch out for signs that my body is recovering from it (or not).

The human body is amazing!

The immune system is so clever! You have your T cells and B cells that will make the antibodies specifically needed to fight the virus. You also have memory T cells and B cells that will keep records, when the same virus enters the body again, the fight will be over before you even know it!

WOW right?!

17 March 2018, Sat

I was feeling irritated with the fever, it just won't go away. I hate medication and I've eaten so much paracetamol over the past few days. I decided to head to the clinic again, hopefully to see a different doctor and also it's a Saturday, clinic closes half day and Sunday would be hard to seek help.

I went down with my bag of prescription to show the doctor and an umbrella to shield me from the 9am sun. To my horror, the waiting time is at least 1.5hr, the clinic was crowded with patients. I don't want to wait, I checked that my usual company doctor was opened and decided to head down in a cab. (Luckily, I was still dressed quite ok).

Met Dr. CT at the clinic and he found my extended fever suspicious. I told him this should be the the flu virus right? He said normally the fever will not extend till Day 4. He wanted to check if I had the dengue fever. I looked down at my limps and didn't see any red spots, he said the red spots usually appear after the fever. Anyway, he drew my blood and sent for a urgent check. If he calls me in the evening, I should be prepared to go to the hospital.

Without any other information, he could only treat my symptoms, and he gave me a different cough syrup which won't cause constipation. haha.

I felt glad to see Dr. CT because at least he tried to diagnose further on my bizarre condition.

I went home, thinking what if I get the call and what if I didn't get the call.
If he calls, then it's straight forward -> dengue treatment. If he don't, I really don't know what is wrong with me.

My intuition tells me, I don't have dengue fever.

The doctor called at 6:30pm

He told me I don't have dengue. But he saw a significant amount of infection in my blood. He needs to start me on antibiotics to fight the bacteria. I can either see him on Monday back at the clinic or visit another branch on Sunday, which was opened for 2hrs in the morning. I told him I'll see him on Monday.

18 March 2018, Sun

I coughed a lot in the morning, I think the phlegm builds up through the night.
It was difficult to get it out, it was almost like puking.
The colour of the phlegm was horrible. Dark yellow almost brown in colour... (booo)

So I decided to not waste a day and JQ drove me to the clinic in town.

I saw Dr. SL and told him that I'm here to get antibiotics as advised by Dr. CT from the blood test on Sat. He asked me what happened to me.... So I decided to start from the very beginning. I was talking slowly because I don't want to start coughing uncontrollably. He was obviously impatient, he cut me from my monologue and started to speak really quickly to help me finish up.

He took my blood pressure and prescribed me with antibiotics. I think he can see from my face that I've questions. He asked, "any question?" I said, " I thought this is a flu virus, but why it become bacterial infection now?"

In a impatient tone, "It can start with a virus and superimposed as a bacteria"

Okay, I don't understand and don't wish to talk to him further. He asked me if I need anything other medication, I thought he should be advising me, but I said no anyway (what do I know...)

Get 2 courses of antibiotics and we were out.

The pills were quite big, I was worried of swallowing and the pill was toooooo hard for me to bite in into half. It's not good to break the pill too. Recalling back to my University education, pills were designed with specific coatings so as to endure the journey in our digestive system to reach the desire location for it to start working / releasing.

So before I swallow the pill, I will visualise that I successfully swallowed it. haha.
Oh well, so far it has helped me!
It is not fun when you choke, with the pill in an awkward position and feel its slow slide down the throat.

By nightfall, I still don't feel good and the cough wasn't getting any better. I decided to update my colleagues that I can't return to work on Monday.

19 March 2018, Mon

I can't rest.
I can't sleep.
I was coughing the whole night!
It was misery.

I managed to catch a wink in the morning when the sun comes up.

I decided to visit to Dr. CT because I told him that I will see him on Monday and also I needed MC to cover for Monday.

Dressed better this time round and JQ drove us there.

I arrived at the clinic and asked to meet wth Dr. CT but I was told he fell ill and left early for the day. (wow, I hope it wasn't me)

I met with lovely Dr. J and she is ever so patient with her patients. haha

She last saw me on 12 Mar for my stomach issue.

She asked, "What happened to you, HQ?"
"A lot had happened since I last saw you..." I just told her about Dr. CT diagnosis of me on Sat and how I started with the antibiotics on Sun.

She was surprised that Dr. SL didn't give me anything else to help me feel better. Also the antibiotics is strong to the gastric, she will usually prescribe a protective medication together with that antibiotics. It was Day 2 on antibiotics, I could feel a slight bloated-ness in my stomach.

I think by this time, things are clearer to the doctor.
She said when I'm free, I can read up on Mycoplasma. That's what I've got.

She gave me a 3 days MC to rest properly and a lot of other strong powerful medicine.
I had to eat them all, I want to end this as soon as possible.

21 March 2018, Wed

Since the day I met Dr. J, I started to sleep better as she gave me all the "right" medicine for me.
Every morning once I wake up I will eat those medication meant for before food, about 20 min later I will eat my breakfast and then all the medication that is meant for after food. And I will be knocked out for 4 hours.


to be continued...
- I'm feeling tired now, I need a break and a shower before the sun sets -

The ultimate - 8 days MC! (Part I)

天有不测风云，人有旦夕祸福

Since I'm on a 8 days MC, I shall find some time to document this episode in my blog. It is quite memorable because I can't remember the last time I was awarded with an 8 days medical leave, including the weekends, I actually got 12 days! -unbeatable-

(maybe chicken pox might have rivalled that count, but that was kindergarten era...)

As someone who loves to think (too much), I've arrived at the cause of this battle.
I have no one else to blame but myself...

祸从口出，病从口入。

Mindless eating has led me down the path of illness.

11 March 2018

It was a Sunday, usually lazy for the both of us. We woke up at ~9am and ordered McD breakfast. This usually carry us through till the late afternoon.
In the afternoon, we went out for Jalan Jalan and decided to let the downtown line brings us to Jalan Besar! We were both hungry by then and went to the Jalan Besar food center for snacks. It was 4pm in the afternoon, many of the hawker stores were either closed or not opened yet. JQ said they used to come to the this place to eat turtle soup after DB training... (yikes)

With limited choices, we orders chicken claypot rice and 猪脚醋。
Both of the dishes were yummy!

But here's the problem, my stomach was really empty by then and I could feel the acid rolling around with nothing to digest. Then I ate a dish full of vinegar... my stomach can't help but to protest! I was a minor one, I didn't feel very good after the meal but I just ignored it.

We head down to my parent's place to have dinner with them and I've requested some days ago that I wanna eat spicy hot-plate stingray! I haven't had this for a long time, so my family agreed! Of cos, we added the complimentary goods that was sold together at the stall. You can imagine... dishes all looked red.
Mum being mum, will make me 八珍汤 tonic soup when she can. So I took the soup back to my home and I had to drink it despite feeling really full from dinner. (I didn't want to waste my mum's effort)

So it was a day of SUPER mindless eating!!! Looking back I feel so stupid... The variety of stuff I put into my body in a single day was really stressing my stomach. :(

12 March 2018 

Monday back to work, I still have the stomach discomfort carried over from Sunday, but it was minor, so I ignored it and continue with my day. By the late afternoon, it got a bit more of my attention and I decided to visit the clinic. Dr. J saw me and told me my spicy food days are over!! Especially spicy + sour combo (Thai food, mee siam...) I'm ok with that, because I'm not that particular about food. I eat to live, I have quite a high level of self-control with food (if I'm thinking...)

She asked me to go home to rest, which I did, anyway it was already 4pm in the afternoon. 

I have this habit that I don't like to eat medication, so out of the whole bag of medication she gave me, I only took probiotics. I felt resting and eating plain food should do the trick. 

She also said, I needed to poop and I will feel much better once I expel the toxins out from my body.

13 March 2018

It was day of meeting, I was in a meeting room most of the time, with 1 foreign colleague and 2 locals. 

I was feeling okay, getting on with my day, sneaking time in between to punch buttons on my laptop and getting things done. 

By the afternoon, 2pm I was feeling a shoulder and neck ache. I was thinking "ergo problem! I have been working on my laptop for almost the whole day!" So I stopped whenever I got the signal from my laptop, and took water break. 

It was getting worse, by 4pm, I can hardly sit down on the chair and look at my laptop screen. The ache is killing me!

I went downstairs for some fresh air and a walk, (trying to counteract the amount of sitting). I didn't feel better, and I decided that after the last meeting of the day, I'm going to head home, to stretch, to lie on the ground to do whatever to get rid of the ache. I even went to my colleague to tell him that being stuck in a full day meeting is very bad for ergonomics. 

JQ offered to fetch me home but I just can't wait. I decided to take the train home. Since I'm aching so badly, I decided to leave the laptop in office so I don't have to carry the extra weigh on my achy shoulders or strain my neck further. 

Zoomed out of the office, into the train! I didn't want to sit cause I sat tooooo much in the office.

I was feeling chills already, I know the fever is coming. 

It was a 45 min journey and once I got home, I wrapped myself in a blanket and lay down on the sofa, without opening any windows as I was having the chills.

I knew I needed paracetamol and before medication, I needed some food. So I ordered porridge via food panda and went to take a quick shower.

By then, my face was flushed. I could feel the heat emitting within me an escaping through my eyes and my breathe. 

JQ's home and wanted to bring me to the clinic. I protested because I just want to lie down... So I forced myself to eat a meagre of porridge and took paracetamol. 

Feeling slightly better, I agree to go to the clinic nearby our place. I was moving like a sloth, JQ drove us there. Luckily, there wasn't much of a queue.

Saw the locum doctor and he gave me medications for all my symptoms. I was having a high fever of 38.9C. He also gave me a 2 days MC and told me to come back if the fever persist.

Night time was the scariest. 

Everything seems to be aggravated in the night.  

to be continued...

- feeling drowsy now, the medication is taking effect, I need to go lie down- 

Hello 2018

Isn’t it quick?
I only had 1 or 2 posts in 2017 and it left me so quickly.
A new start in 2018, I told myself I have to be a better version of me.
I have found the theme for 2018.

Compassion, give, do
2017 was spent thinking about myself, my growth, answering my own questions. I’m glad I didn’t leave empty handed. Wisdom gained is mine, making me a better person. However, this learning is continuous. Glad there are people whom happened to be appear in my life to walk this path with me. What to do with it will totally my choice. Nobody can do anything for me, only I can do it with my own hands and energy.

Compassion is the theme for 2018 because I need to use my heart more. I’m a thinker and I use my head too much sometimes. I need to engaged my heart to feel and be compassion to people I love and to living things around me.

Give. I think I’m a taker, I didn’t give enough, if I didn’t give on autopilot mode I wonder did I even give? By giving I have to give whole heartedly, not thinking that someone owe me for should repay me in the future. Give because you can and you can help those who are in need.

Do. To remind myself that I have to do my best as it bears my name. Isn’t my name worth working hard for? Even if it is unrecognized I still have to do my best. As I owe it to myself, owe it to my name.

There is enough time.

If there is small pockets of free time how can I make the best use of it?

How to gain control of your free time?

Today as I was waiting for JQ to meet me, I suddenly got 30min of free time, I don't know what to do with it.

First thought was to find a cafe and sit down, then I think I don't want to get another drink (especially with sugar). So I roam a bit and caught sight of a stationery shop so I made my way in there to look around. I didn't have anything that I urgently need, I was just browsing around.

I wasted my 30min.

Now, let's brainstorm a bit and see what are the things that I can do if I have small pockets of time again!

Scenario:
30min of waiting time.

1) Sit down in a cafe and read
Read what? Let's be specific, so that I don't fall into my default of IG/FB.

• Check my personal emails
• Read the ebook that I happen to be reading at that time

2) Shop the things that I need

Problem is I don't remember them. So I need to keep a list of things that I want to buy, so when the free time arises I can quickly refer to it!

3) Browse in a book store or library

If there is a book store or library, I can go it there to look around. But first, I need to know if there is a book store or library in the mall, and a quick search could do the job.

That's all for now!

At this point while I'm drafting this list, I realised that above ideas do not help with my long term goals. So it is not good enough.

Marathon of Life

Whatever we see now is a snapshot of our long marathon of life. You never know what is the ending like, or if you like, who is the ultimate winner.

I'm wondering, in this snapshot a day in my life today vs a day in life 20 years later. What's the difference?

It should be different in physical; my movements will be slower and less nimble as now. I hope that my health will still be in a good state!
It should be different in value; hopefully by then I would have gained enough knowledge and experience that is valuable and therefore able to generate higher earnings in a day.

Ok can't think more for now. Reaching paya lebar for dinner with stinkies.

不要越走越远了……

An incident today made me think and reflect upon myself.

Have I become insensitive to the dearest people around me?

She: oh, I can't afford that, it's an expensive watch.

Me: no, only $199!

She: -silent-

I think that I'm being myself and speaking my mind but I've only considered my own perspective and was blind to theirs. 

I thought that I would just speak my mind and then if I'm wrong we can have a discussion about it, but I have failed to understand their personalities. They may not want to argue with me or they are really gentle people who will just absorb what I said and let it pass. 

I've become reckless and inpatient to the dearest people around me. I'm feeling sad and guilty for it. 

This is a trait that should be displayed at work in office but not to be taken back to gentle people like my family and friends. 

This is one post that I wrote with tears. 

A reminder to self to be sensitive again. Listen with my heart and speak with care. 

Spare the thought to think about others, others who are so dear to me and not just thinking about myself.

About to evolve!

Really struggling a lot in this new job. Maybe I'm about to evolve, when the struggle is really strong you are about to reach the next level!!!

I hope I learn something out of this experience. 

Something to remind myself is, there is no magic pill. there's nothing that will make me suddenly good or suddenly wiser. It has to be daily little steps, with consistency. 

Have patience and the endurance, pang!

Focus on something and work on it, stop searching around!  

Acceptance

tog rams Once again, I need to remind myself of this quote: 

grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

oh, wait, it's actually different from what I'm thinking.

I need to accept that this is the amount of effort to get the job done.

Getting the job done will make me feel satisfied. 

Getting it done the way I want will ensure that it is likely to be a good job accomplish.

the dilemma is: I'm not sure if I want to put in the time and effort because of opportunity cost. Can I put my time and effort to other better use? 

Past experience tells me that I can't and I won't. This is because I can't let it go. If I choose to not do the job, half my mind will always think about it! it's like always on my mind, running as a background program. I cannot fully enjoy the present and do what I planned. This is totally a 两头不到岸situation!

Let's look at it from the other side. I always aim to complete the job regardless what it takes. I will feel miserable and no life and burnt out cos it's all work and no play and no me time and no family time. Won't be happy either, and soon will start thinking about this topic again. 

So... balance is key. Once again, no surprise. That balancing is the toughest thing to do.

What is the best way to balance this? To achieve personal happiness and desired quality of life.

I think it is to set milestone. Once it's reached, give self a reward. If we zoom in further, we can say weekly we need to achieve a certain target and we "earn" the Friday night and weekend! If Friday is too far away, we can give self a mid week target, to earn the time to log off on time and go work out! 

We need to set up a trade off or exchange rule. Because if the plan is too rigid then it can be easily broken, and once it failed at the early stage then it is less likely to gain momentum.

How can we allow ourselves to have an exchange system and yet do not encourage procrastination? 

hmm.

If I have other events in the week night that I cannot OT, I should forget about wed night workout? Or I should aim to workout earlier in the week? 

I think the latter, of cos. 

I should always plan for something to look forward to Friday evening so as to work hard for the week!

Note to self:

Between do or don't do. Always choose to do it. Because don't do, don't make me happier. 

throw it away or fix it?

Do we fix it or throw it away to get a new one? 

In today's life, we buy a lot of things and dump them away once we don't need them or once they are damaged.

Some things you can throw but there are things that can never be thrown into the dumpster. Like your pet got ill, throw it away? your plant is infested with weeds, throw it away? Relationship took a turn, throw away and get a new one? 

if it's not right to throw it away, then learn how to fix things. 

Epiphany 2

Happiness is not an exchange of something. 

Create happiness inspite of everything.

Now I believed that happiness is self created and not given by others and not in exchange of something. 

There's thousand and one way to be unhappy and we can do all that. why can't we do just 1 thing to be happy?

Create your happiness. Only you can do it. 

Be the joy among the people you are with.😊

23 March 2016

I cannot believed it. One year on since he left us, my eyes still well up with tears when I read about him.

Today is his 1 year death anniversary. I remember his strength, his determination, his toughness, his grit. I remember I can chase the rainbow.

His gift to all Sinagporeans, our lovely home, our Singapore.

Thank you Mr Lee.

Epiphany

elusiveness of happiness left me searching for quite some time. there were times where I thought I've figured it out and things have turned out the way I wanted but that feeling didn't seem to last long... pretty much self explanatory if not, there is no need for this entry!

Lots of hits and misses, clouded with presumed hits and unexpected misses, I do have random epiphanies occasionally.

this one was a thought that lingered with me for a week. Here goes:

I wondered about the life span of the feeling of happiness... which one will last longer?

Getting something the way I wanted OR Choose to be happy with whichever that was given to me

As I recalled some of life experiences that I achieved something that I wanted, I didn't think happiness lasted very long... 

Happiness lasted slightly longer when I got something that I didn't expect I will achieve. 

The point is that feeling of happy soon went away. In the end, one encounter after another, this has left me chasing for the next "something" I assume will make me feel happy. 

Therefore, getting something the way I wanted didn't prove to make me happy for long.

So what if I choose to be happy with whichever that was given to me? Will the feeling of happiness last longer?

Firstly, I think this is highly difficult. What's there to be happy about when we had a bad day... when we didn't get something the way we want to... 

tbc....

mrt has reached my stop!

the introvert in an extroverted place.

Feeling like this for a good 7 years. Thought I could learn it but it is not that easy. Part of mixed messages came from myself. Like I always wanted to be true to myself. I do strife for that as much as I can. There are situations where I forced myself and it indeed turn out well. However, another side of the story is all these are not good enough. You tried your best but you should be like more of this, more of that, blah.

I wonder if being me is it so bad?

I'm not saying this is the end of the road for me. I recognize how much I've grown through the challenges. 

How or when will you know that it is time to just be yourself?

Anyway I know there will never be an absolute answer to this question.

Mr. Lee is no more

The last week was filled with grief and sadness. Though the person is not my kin but the news was saddening because he was the founding father of my nation. And I am proud of my country.

Starting from the time he was admitted to hospital for an extended period, we kept hearing the news of his health condition. Then people started to send him well wishes and flowers and kind souls prayed hard for him to get well. That's when my emotion started to change.

There were many citizens who love him, respect him and were genuinely concern about him. Other than stirring an unfamiliar emotional I have had for him, my perspective was shifted from my daily grind to the birth and survival of my country. 

From the time he was PM, SM then MM, I was ignorant, apathetic and seriously taking things for granted. It was also "uncool" to listen to and agree with the government as an young adult. When he came for dialogue session in my university, most of my peers do not care or thought only weirdo will attend.

In the past week, after work was time spent glued to the television catching up on history which I already know but with added realizations. It used to be just facts and historical events that happened but now I see the determination of one great man who dedicated his life to ensure we survive, making hard decisions that may not be popular but proved to be important to our nation in the future.

With an added admiration of the leader that we have had, I reflected on one occasion that I sent in a feedback to MDA. Few years back, during CNY a local movie was on free to air TV. Typical of local movie depicting days of early Singapore, it was filled with characters of different dialect. I caught the show in cinema before but while it was on TV, the dialect were all gone and dubbed over with mandarin. I thought the show had totally loss it's essence. My feedback was to keep the original language but providing viewers with options to switch just like Korean drama on TV. The gist of the response was, dialect too similar to mandarins and they did not want to misled / confuse the younger viewers via free to air TV programs. 

I thought about young Singaporeans not knowing their dialect and won't be able to pass down this language to next generations. It was precious culture that will be lost. 

Now I think bilingualism is a good policy. We have an official working language and we know our mother tongue because that is still who we are. Our sense of identify is Singaporean. We will not be define as Hakka, Teo Chew or Hainan. The path on bilingualism is already not easy, few are really proficient in both. I took reference from the street interviews done, young kids now can hardly speak mandarin, what more to think about dialect. 

His vision was shockingly accurate in most issues. I cannot be more amazed.

Why only upon his death then we look more deeply into his life's work, I don't know. But I'm glad that I was truly inspired. Inspired by this great man recognized by the world. Inspired by this great man who built this home for me. 

Thank you is not enough. 

I will contribute to keep her progressing and the small but unmissable nation in Asia. 

thought of the day

how to deal with someone who is asking irrelevant questions? 

answering it is wasting time

not answering is like agreeing to their point...

hmmm.

Another New Year?

Okay, hello 2015, another new year has come.
This also marks 10 years on this blog! wow... not that I post entries regularly but it is still amazing that I have 1 blog and it has been in existence for 10 years.

*clap clap*

Spent the last 2 weeks of 2014 without work, and the feeling was wonderful. Time was spent with my darling exploring new places in an old destination, learning new things and improving myself.

Of course, with the time I love to do what I do a lot...

Wondering in my thoughts.

Gandalf said, All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

I wondered about time. Each of us were given the gift of time to live...

Assuming I lived till 80 years old with an abled mind & body. With 12 hours each day that I can utilised to do something of my choice. I would have 350,000 hours worth of time.
Till this age, I have spent 131,400 hours to become who I am today.

Were the 131,400 hours squandered or well used?

Only I can answer this question.


And then, what's next?
Another 219,000 hours of my time. How should it be spent?

*secretly feeling glad that it is still more than half.*




tick tock tick tock... gone by the seconds.
Quickly take action!

the big 3 is coming!

Woah... turning 30 this year.
Time to do some recap and count my blessings! :)

Looking back is always so easy, sometimes you don't even realised that you have stepped back into the past again. The reason is because the past is vivid and we have experienced it. Looking forward is  not that easy, but if we can imagine it more vividly, i think that can help!

I do realised that for myself. Lesser resistance to spend timing digging into the past, and so I do it more. Time for a change, great that there's awareness that makes the first difference in change. :)

Recently watched a conference on happiness, there are 2 types. Natural and Synthetic happiness, both can make you equally happy but the society deemed synthetic happiness as the inferior kind.

Let me read more on how to create that synthetic happiness.

Just thinking.

Having random thoughts sometimes. 

1) The Powerful Machine

This machine is so powerful yet I know so little of it. This machine keeps me alive and functioning everyday yet I don't exactly know what it does. Some people are worse, they don't even know the parts and location, yet they are carrying them around. I am so amazed by our human body. without health I can hardly achieve much more in life and yet there are times that I hurt my body with knowingly bad decisions. Kinda the brain and the body having a love-hate relationship? (Haha! Sorry laughing at my own joke!) 

Please take care of your body and be healthy. There are already so many unknown illness that may hit us and in addition, sabotage from our own brain! (addiction/lack of discipline/ignorance) If we are not shaving years off our lifespan, we are adding suffering to the future self. 

Strongly believe that we should take care of our health! 

2) How to live my life?

Most are not surprised by this question of mine. I have been asking myself this a lot especially when I'm in the late twenties. I read that 33 is the happiest age, so I got a feeling I will figure it out by then! But almost 30 years come and gone, how come I still have so many questions? 

I'm still seeking but I do not have the courage to drop out of this rat race. The most recent thought, what is 2 years out of 80 years? It's 2.5% of my estimated life on earth. So I think it's totally reasonable to take that 2 years to think and decide what I want to do with the rest of my breathing days. because I do not want to exist but I want to live.  

But if I look at 2 years of annual income, I could do a lot with that amount. 

Then again, in another words. I have sold my life for that amount. (!!!)

Some can live it in between, a mixture of unhappy to gain income to attain the happiness. I wish I can but I still can't be truly happy. I'm seeking for something really deep inside. The real reason that can convince me.

1 year after - anger management report

1 year ago I set a new year resolution to keep my anger emotion in check. I kinda forgot about it until I relook at my older post. 

You must have guessed! 

I have already internalized it! because I cannot remember my last outburst of anger. I'm calmer and not easily tipped off the edge with my emotion. I can recall the most recent episode when I'm not happy with the driving skill of a cab driver, his constant change in acceleration brought me an unwelcome friend, headache. feeling displeased and considered to voice out my comment but when I looked at the driver, he's in his sixties and its late, he's sending me home... I had a long day, maybe his day is tough too! he spoke to me nicely when I board the cab, he gave me my quiet time during the ride. his eyes always on the road, driving attentively and slowly, too slow for my liking. BUT! Maybe that's the way he knows how to drive. at least he's driving safely and not recklessly, he knows his way and do not need my guidance. I arrived home eventually, with a headache and feeling nauseous and I took awhile before I said thank you to him. the key point is, I identified I have a choice and before I tipped over to anger, I found reasons to stopped it.

I'm glad there was awareness last year which led to a resolution to change and now I have widen the gap of my neutral state with outburst of anger.

peace. :)

there's a hole in the world tonight~

the hole in my life cannot be filled with what I do/know now. something is just missing and I cannot put my finger on it. it's has become more apparent in the late twenties. with the hands of the clock ticking by the seconds, years has passed with me making no significant progress on the feeling that I seek. 

it's so tough, especially when what I'm seeking is so vague. 

firstly, I do not know if this is a search and find journey or acknowledge and change journey...

I doubt there will be an eureka moment but more of me making a decision to dare to trust myself, my instinct.