the introvert in an extroverted place.

Feeling like this for a good 7 years. Thought I could learn it but it is not that easy. Part of mixed messages came from myself. Like I always wanted to be true to myself. I do strife for that as much as I can. There are situations where I forced myself and it indeed turn out well. However, another side of the story is all these are not good enough. You tried your best but you should be like more of this, more of that, blah.

I wonder if being me is it so bad?

I'm not saying this is the end of the road for me. I recognize how much I've grown through the challenges. 

How or when will you know that it is time to just be yourself?

Anyway I know there will never be an absolute answer to this question.

Mr. Lee is no more

The last week was filled with grief and sadness. Though the person is not my kin but the news was saddening because he was the founding father of my nation. And I am proud of my country.

Starting from the time he was admitted to hospital for an extended period, we kept hearing the news of his health condition. Then people started to send him well wishes and flowers and kind souls prayed hard for him to get well. That's when my emotion started to change.

There were many citizens who love him, respect him and were genuinely concern about him. Other than stirring an unfamiliar emotional I have had for him, my perspective was shifted from my daily grind to the birth and survival of my country. 

From the time he was PM, SM then MM, I was ignorant, apathetic and seriously taking things for granted. It was also "uncool" to listen to and agree with the government as an young adult. When he came for dialogue session in my university, most of my peers do not care or thought only weirdo will attend.

In the past week, after work was time spent glued to the television catching up on history which I already know but with added realizations. It used to be just facts and historical events that happened but now I see the determination of one great man who dedicated his life to ensure we survive, making hard decisions that may not be popular but proved to be important to our nation in the future.

With an added admiration of the leader that we have had, I reflected on one occasion that I sent in a feedback to MDA. Few years back, during CNY a local movie was on free to air TV. Typical of local movie depicting days of early Singapore, it was filled with characters of different dialect. I caught the show in cinema before but while it was on TV, the dialect were all gone and dubbed over with mandarin. I thought the show had totally loss it's essence. My feedback was to keep the original language but providing viewers with options to switch just like Korean drama on TV. The gist of the response was, dialect too similar to mandarins and they did not want to misled / confuse the younger viewers via free to air TV programs. 

I thought about young Singaporeans not knowing their dialect and won't be able to pass down this language to next generations. It was precious culture that will be lost. 

Now I think bilingualism is a good policy. We have an official working language and we know our mother tongue because that is still who we are. Our sense of identify is Singaporean. We will not be define as Hakka, Teo Chew or Hainan. The path on bilingualism is already not easy, few are really proficient in both. I took reference from the street interviews done, young kids now can hardly speak mandarin, what more to think about dialect. 

His vision was shockingly accurate in most issues. I cannot be more amazed.

Why only upon his death then we look more deeply into his life's work, I don't know. But I'm glad that I was truly inspired. Inspired by this great man recognized by the world. Inspired by this great man who built this home for me. 

Thank you is not enough. 

I will contribute to keep her progressing and the small but unmissable nation in Asia. 

thought of the day

how to deal with someone who is asking irrelevant questions? 

answering it is wasting time

not answering is like agreeing to their point...

hmmm.

Another New Year?

Okay, hello 2015, another new year has come.
This also marks 10 years on this blog! wow... not that I post entries regularly but it is still amazing that I have 1 blog and it has been in existence for 10 years.

*clap clap*

Spent the last 2 weeks of 2014 without work, and the feeling was wonderful. Time was spent with my darling exploring new places in an old destination, learning new things and improving myself.

Of course, with the time I love to do what I do a lot...

Wondering in my thoughts.

Gandalf said, All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

I wondered about time. Each of us were given the gift of time to live...

Assuming I lived till 80 years old with an abled mind & body. With 12 hours each day that I can utilised to do something of my choice. I would have 350,000 hours worth of time.
Till this age, I have spent 131,400 hours to become who I am today.

Were the 131,400 hours squandered or well used?

Only I can answer this question.


And then, what's next?
Another 219,000 hours of my time. How should it be spent?

*secretly feeling glad that it is still more than half.*




tick tock tick tock... gone by the seconds.
Quickly take action!

the big 3 is coming!

Woah... turning 30 this year.
Time to do some recap and count my blessings! :)

Looking back is always so easy, sometimes you don't even realised that you have stepped back into the past again. The reason is because the past is vivid and we have experienced it. Looking forward is  not that easy, but if we can imagine it more vividly, i think that can help!

I do realised that for myself. Lesser resistance to spend timing digging into the past, and so I do it more. Time for a change, great that there's awareness that makes the first difference in change. :)

Recently watched a conference on happiness, there are 2 types. Natural and Synthetic happiness, both can make you equally happy but the society deemed synthetic happiness as the inferior kind.

Let me read more on how to create that synthetic happiness.

Just thinking.

Having random thoughts sometimes. 

1) The Powerful Machine

This machine is so powerful yet I know so little of it. This machine keeps me alive and functioning everyday yet I don't exactly know what it does. Some people are worse, they don't even know the parts and location, yet they are carrying them around. I am so amazed by our human body. without health I can hardly achieve much more in life and yet there are times that I hurt my body with knowingly bad decisions. Kinda the brain and the body having a love-hate relationship? (Haha! Sorry laughing at my own joke!) 

Please take care of your body and be healthy. There are already so many unknown illness that may hit us and in addition, sabotage from our own brain! (addiction/lack of discipline/ignorance) If we are not shaving years off our lifespan, we are adding suffering to the future self. 

Strongly believe that we should take care of our health! 

2) How to live my life?

Most are not surprised by this question of mine. I have been asking myself this a lot especially when I'm in the late twenties. I read that 33 is the happiest age, so I got a feeling I will figure it out by then! But almost 30 years come and gone, how come I still have so many questions? 

I'm still seeking but I do not have the courage to drop out of this rat race. The most recent thought, what is 2 years out of 80 years? It's 2.5% of my estimated life on earth. So I think it's totally reasonable to take that 2 years to think and decide what I want to do with the rest of my breathing days. because I do not want to exist but I want to live.  

But if I look at 2 years of annual income, I could do a lot with that amount. 

Then again, in another words. I have sold my life for that amount. (!!!)

Some can live it in between, a mixture of unhappy to gain income to attain the happiness. I wish I can but I still can't be truly happy. I'm seeking for something really deep inside. The real reason that can convince me.

1 year after - anger management report

1 year ago I set a new year resolution to keep my anger emotion in check. I kinda forgot about it until I relook at my older post. 

You must have guessed! 

I have already internalized it! because I cannot remember my last outburst of anger. I'm calmer and not easily tipped off the edge with my emotion. I can recall the most recent episode when I'm not happy with the driving skill of a cab driver, his constant change in acceleration brought me an unwelcome friend, headache. feeling displeased and considered to voice out my comment but when I looked at the driver, he's in his sixties and its late, he's sending me home... I had a long day, maybe his day is tough too! he spoke to me nicely when I board the cab, he gave me my quiet time during the ride. his eyes always on the road, driving attentively and slowly, too slow for my liking. BUT! Maybe that's the way he knows how to drive. at least he's driving safely and not recklessly, he knows his way and do not need my guidance. I arrived home eventually, with a headache and feeling nauseous and I took awhile before I said thank you to him. the key point is, I identified I have a choice and before I tipped over to anger, I found reasons to stopped it.

I'm glad there was awareness last year which led to a resolution to change and now I have widen the gap of my neutral state with outburst of anger.

peace. :)

there's a hole in the world tonight~

the hole in my life cannot be filled with what I do/know now. something is just missing and I cannot put my finger on it. it's has become more apparent in the late twenties. with the hands of the clock ticking by the seconds, years has passed with me making no significant progress on the feeling that I seek. 

it's so tough, especially when what I'm seeking is so vague. 

firstly, I do not know if this is a search and find journey or acknowledge and change journey...

I doubt there will be an eureka moment but more of me making a decision to dare to trust myself, my instinct. 

FaMily 💛💚💙❤💜

Spent the weekend staying at home with the Pangs. I'm so happy as I miss them much! after spending 27 years together of cos! 

reminds me that I'm the big sister, and the responsibility of being one. the ability to be a pillar has given me great strength and taught me to look beyond my own personal problem. 

mum having a little difficulty with health. I'm sure she's not beaten but just shocked by how things came to her one after another. On route on bell palsy recovery and an onset of menopause. I'm sure it's not an easy time for any lady to bear. dad has been there supporting mum these whole time but as children, we can do better! with 4 of us together supporting mum, it will cheer her on more and lighten the stress on dad. 

thing is, not all the pillars are strong now. Struggling with each of our problems and challenges in our individual life, we have weakened.

I realized when we look from a different perspective, start to look out of our small litttle circle, we can see our problems are real small. there are still many blessings we can count! 

At some point, we have to stop looking within on our own problems. 

I want to be there more for my family, support my mum to go thru this rough patch and pull the bro and sis along to shoulder more responsibility because we all have to now, as adults.

Life is not easy breezy but we must still remember to count our blessings! With each day, we have a another chance to make it better.

Fighting!💪

What is a successful day like?

Recently saw a tweet asking what is your definition of a successful day?
Ellen Huerta mentioned for her, it is a day where she have been present and compassionate.

Tuned into 100.3fm every night when the hubby is not around, i realized how much i have missed the radio and definitely the chinese songs that I've grew up with. Heard a snippet over radio, an interview with Xie Anqi, a Hongkong singer. She has a new album dedicated to successful women and to encourage the ladies in today's world. A measure of a women's success is not just about career but how she managed her family. If she has handled both very well, people will then judged her on her appearance and dressing. How tough it is to be successful, in other people's terms...

We can say easily that we don't let the world judge us, but it is so easy to be a culprit. My success depends on how my boss appraise me for the year, getting promoted is almost equal to being successful! If you are in the rat race, that is how the game is.

Must always remember your self worth, outside of your career. Work is huge part of life ever since graduation, but it is not something that can consume all of my time (equals to life), that whatever left of me after work, is for me to enjoy my family & friends.

So when I think about my definition of a successful day...
It is a day where I have done the needful at work and maintain my bond with my family & friends or building new bond with my "new family".

Am really tempted to include quality time spent with self where i can reflect. kinda stretch target! Review this next time if that can be included.

One thing at a time!

Now I just want to lie in my cosy bed! :)

Imagination

the power to imagine pain of others when you not have to experience it yourself; empathy.
you can choose to shut yourself from all of these, apathy is an evil in itself.
then you have merely existed, and not lived.

Cognitive Dissonance

one of the more unlikeable human attributes, self justification.

this protective mechanism enables us to sleep peacefully at night and frees us from self doubt. We see what we want to see, ignore everything else that contradicts our view. we look for arguments that reinforce our position. 

why do we find it so difficult to realize our mistakes?

there's often a big gap between what we think and what we do...

freaking fast!

nowadays the week just flew past, it's Friday night already. phew.. day in day out.. spending time on work, albeit more interesting, but I'm wondering if I'm making things better? because I'm so sucked into the task of doing and getting it out my way, I didn't think of more efficient ways or new processes to compete it in the future... How to make it better? my boss challenged me to always think about this... almost 2 months into the job already.... I better start having antenna up!

Routine is tough?

If someone can follow a standard routine thru out for a few years I really 佩服！Because that is consistency! it's so tough to be so consistent (predictable)!

For me, routine will reap my soul off! I'll become dead... sometime 一帆风顺 also not a real blessing. Anyway, 一种米养百种人，all sorts of people with different preferences. That's why this world is interestingly beautiful! 🌈

我不禁地感到惭愧。

Remember the day I said I need to be tough?

It turned out the day I became my boss's worse nightmare...

I feel frozen in time for 2 days, reasoning with myself in the head of how this episode can be avoided. People and tea mates are kind to speak that it's not our responsibility. Kind words are soothing to the ears but not a total truth I can rationalize.

Yesterday night JQ said something really woke me up when I told him I really don't understand why I didn't think of this...

"when you are rushing for time, things get missed out."

Time and time again we were told not to rush, but I didn't stand against it when I felt rushed.

This morning, I have another conversation which set my thinking straight too. Just a simple instruction to him to pass some tools to another colleague and he recommended a bigger version of the tool that he has! It does not fit the purpose but I thank him for showing me the tool!

He replied, because it is for my work area, so I want to give the best!

:) He has such pride and ownership in his work.

His name is Palani, he's from India.

Be tough!

Negativity everywhere, complains... grumbles... swearing... scolding...

We all need a dose of positivity everyday!!

Today I shall be as tough as this kitty!

Heartbeat part 2.

went to have my heartbeat check by another doc and he says I'm perfectly fine and I have a slow and steady heartbeat of less than 60/min!

I wonder why the diff.. think the other doc got problem with his machine and refuse to accept it!

anyway I downloaded an app that can measure heartbeat by requesting your index finger over the camera! I think it's awesome cos I cannot figure out how it works! haha

And yes my heartbeat is 55/min.

Heartbeat.

stress management program in the office, the last time and the first time in my life someone told me I have erratic heartbeat.

Told me to go get an ECG.
Don't give a hood.
Today review again.

Same erratic heart leh.
MAYBE I'll make an effort to walk to the clinic tmr morning and speak to the doc.

I feel totally fine, other than my 每况愈下的fitness, restlessness at work....

still ok lah!

我居然败给了。。。pms!

Started the year with this resolution and something that I'm actively tracking: The angry emotion.

Maybe what happened last weekend was not surprising but it does strip the truth naked in front of me.

Pms affects my mood! guess I already know but glad to have a stronger awareness of it's destructiveness. Strong enough to make to me unable to hold it back even on a leash. I wanted to let it go but I just couldn't know how to feel cheerful again by changing my emotion. I attempted, really.

But of cos, JQ came in to save the day again but coaxing me and held my hand... :) And then with a hug it just went away...🎉

Problem is, how to manage this part of the month better?

I'll soon find out...

first breach of the space of choice.

At this scenario I've unknowingly gave up my option and dash across the space and became angry.

why so?

impolite people just irks me, I guess.
especially someone whom I'm suppose to look up to...

they don't earn my respect but maybe it doesn't matter cos I'm suppose to refer to my previous post.

extinguish the anger now and don't let it consume me and the rest of my day! :)